1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
