I CAN MOONWALK!
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
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