Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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