I just saw a hot homeless man
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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