If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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