my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
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