take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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