if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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