last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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