There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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