dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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