They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
