I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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