No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
