Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
