toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
