I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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