Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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