giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
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You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
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I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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