I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
