Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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