If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
