he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
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No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
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Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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