I cannot find my penis.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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