I wish I only lived at night.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Randomize
