watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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