You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
