i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
