I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
