don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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