she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
