but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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