Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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