I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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