So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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