I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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