that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize