you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
