im drinking this country out of the recession.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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