and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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