I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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