You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
