just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I need water and some morals
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
