Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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