Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
