I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
wow bdsm is so cute
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
