I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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