too bad you live with your parents still
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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