Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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