Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
