Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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