I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
