Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
