I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
