I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
