Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Someone came in the potted fern
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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