Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
She even gives head with a lisp.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
