I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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