Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
