apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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